Let me paint you a word picture, a whimsically wistful waxing on about the wonderful game of soccer. A picture lined with annoying and arrogant alliteration as well as lethal dose of literary devices that will leave John Travolta with no other choice than to stab you in the heart with an adrenal needle as you o.d. on the floor of some heroine dealer’s house.
Now, If you don’t hate me after that paragraph and are still reading this, then let me explain the fervor with which I believe it is absolutely necessary that Ohio State renovate, or, build a new soccer stadium. It is not because I dislike Jesse Owens Memorials stadium at all. The field is wonderful and the press box, though rather chilly, is accommodating and the stands have the capacity to hold enough people that currently attend the soccer games at Ohio State. But I think the experience could be better. Unspeakably better.
Take a look at this short video of the Portland Timbers fan’s reaction to a goal from the Timbers/Sounders game this past July. This is not only soccer in America that can produce this much energy (and there are a plethora of other videos on Youtube of the amazing Portland fans that I encourage you to watch) this is soccer in Portland! That’s in Oregon if you didn’t know. You know, Oregon, as in “The Oregon Trail” where everyone died of Dysentery or violent diarrhea, like diarrhea that was abused as a child and now that its all grown up the diarrhea doesn’t know how to handle the psychic agony it was left with so it victimizes you anus. So Anyway, I struggle heartily to believe that if Ohio State dipped into the Fort Knox that is our football program, built a modest soccer facility that would seat around 15,000-20,000 people, and put it right on top of the field so that it felt like every visiting player was at the mercy of the student population, this school would soon be the proud owner of the most admired soccer program in the country. What top soccer recruit wouldn’t want to come play at the greatest atmosphere in college soccer, where every week 16,000 students and alumni came out to scare the hell out of whoever was visiting and shake the very ground they walk on? Who knows, maybe some players with question marks in Europe decide to broaden their horizons with a degree from a terrific institution as well continue their career on the pitch in front of wildly passionate fans. If the tickets are still free to students (atleast until The Man decides the free ride is over) I can’t think of a scenario in which rowdy Ohio State fans cannot out do the hippies and folk artist in Portland. We’re Ohio state for gods sake, home of sports fandom but we only unleash that passion for football.
Let me describe a scenario from this past weekend’s Wolstien Classic tournament in which the men’s soccer squad walked away with two impressive wins. There was a point in the second half where the Buckeyes were up 3-2 over the Stetson Hatters. The frustration was beginning to build on the side of the Hatters (yes, that’s actually their nickname…they make hats. Slightly less scary that a poisonous nut) and they began to push the tempo of the game. At midfield one of Stetson’s best scoring threats went down after a tackle (read: won the Oscar for best actor) and let a yelp that was easily heard up in the press box. The player, Jonathon Mendoza, writhed on the ground in “pain” for about a minute. The trainers brought him some water and Midol and he was all ready to go. The crowd immediately erupted with jeers audible all around the stadium about the faux injury. Then, for the next 10 minutes, the crowd continued to harass Mendoza with cries of pain and boos every time he touched the ball. Remember, there are only about 500 people at this game. If crowd had been 30-40 times larger and this had happened I suspect that young Jonathon Mendoza would think twice about ever embellishing a tackle again, at least when he came to Columbus. I also think this would have been much more exciting as well.
This blog may sound like a cry for hooliganism in Columbus and it sort of is, but, within reason of course. We need to spread the love so to speak. Lets take the vigor with which we despise Mark May and put that towards supporting our soccer team. Mark May isn’t worth our time anyway. Why don’t we as a university finally put our foot down and say, “HEY! Where is our Pride? Akron shouldn’t be better than us in any sport! How did this happen? We’re we drunk? We swear we only had like four beers, and maybe a couple of martinis…and a couple shots of Lady Bly, BUT, that’s beside the point.” Its time for Ohio State to Chug some water, go to the sauna, grab some Jimmy Johns and get over this hangover of ours. Its time to spread the love, its time for a Key Party where OSU fans can love equally, with out prejudice, Futbol and Football.
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