The Legends of Lard

So, my brother was in town this week, we got to talking and he brought up a conversation he had about the fattest players in baseball. I started thinking about it and I decided to put together a starting lineup. Forget the All-Star Team this is the All-Fat Team. In a league filled with high salaries, stretched waistbands and pulled hamstrings these are truly the All-Stars. Fortunately for them their poor eating habits and overall lack of athletic ability is completely overshadowed by their outstanding baseball skill. I have always argued that baseball players are the least athletic of any other major sports athletes and, at times, I have questioned if we should even refer to them as athletes. But I think my perspective may have been a bit off base. Watching all 5’11’ 270 pounds of Prince Fielder rumble around the bases for an inside the park home run was a thing of grace. Maybe they are not inferior athletes at all. Not many people could run the basses as quickly and as elegantly as Prince Fielder did. There are only two requirements for my picks: First they must be active players and second they must be able to fit at least 12 hot dogs in their mouth at once. (Buns Included) These Legends of Lard should not be looked down upon but raised up atop a pedestal and praised for their accomplishments. Here it is! This is what you have been waiting for...the starting lineup.

The Manager: Charlie Manuel
If you are going to have a team someone has to be the manager. Look at that face he is just hunting for sausage.

Catcher: Bengie Molina

Height: 5-11
Weight: 225 lbs.
Today, Jose and Yadier let me borrow their chins. Oh happy day!



First Basemen: Prince Fielder
Height: 5-11
Weight: 277 lbs.
Hmmm ain't no meat in that donut sandwich huh Prince?


Second Basemen: Ronnie Belliard
Height: 5-10
Weight: 214
214...Yea in your bra




Short Stop: Juan Uribe
Height: 6-0
Weight: 225
You may be thinking that Uribe is not that big but he has been putting on a lot of weight at the Craps Table not to mention he has been taking diet tips from Bobby Jenks



Third Basemen: Miguel Cabrera
Height: 6-4
Weight: 240 lbs.
He only looks this big because he is secretly hiding Brandon Inge in his jersey to play defense for him


Outfield: Magglio Ordonez
Height: 6-0
Weight: 215
See that smile, its the same smile he had on his face when he learned grown ups could order Happy Meals too....aww Magglio they grow up so fast





Outfield: Carlos Lee
Height: 6-2
Weight: 240 lbs.
"El caballo" that's Spanish for the lettuce. Maybe he should try and incorporate that into his el dieto.




Outfield: Willie Mo Pena
Height: 6-3
Weight: 268 lbs.
Designated Hitter: David Ortiz
Height: 6-4
Weight: 230
Ohhh man. That's what I am talking about. That is just a smorgasbord of fun right there.
The Starting Rotation

CC Sabathia
Height: 6-7
Weight: 290 lbs.
CC breaks the scales just like he broke most Clevelander's hearts.



Fatolo Colon
Height: 5-11
Weight: 245
Bartolo was skinny, but then he learned instead of a paycheck he could be paid in Beer and hot dogs. Nothing like a direct deposit


Brad Penny
Height: 6-4
Weight: 260 lbs.
Every first monday of the month at noon the dodgers do not practice their tornado drills but they learn how to use a defibrillator. I hope for Brad's sake Manny does not decide to be Manny at the wrong time.


Aaron Harang
Height: 6-7
Weight: 275
It is not Harang's fault that his training schedule in the offseason is comprised of sleeping and Skyline chili. The dude lives in Cincy who can blame him.



Sidney Ponson
Height: 6-1
Weight: 260
I am not exactly sure what happened to Sidney Ponson maybe it is all the cristal. Bottoms up!

The Bullpen
Bobby Jenks
Height: 6-3
Weigt: 275
Good thing that pink facial hair makes him more aerodynamic otherwise his fastball might loose 5mph


Eric Gagne
Height: 6-0
Weight: 240
Apparently after steroid use subsides every muscle in your body is replaced with jelley donuts. Beard growth is suggested to slow the break down of muscles but not necessary


Bob Wickman
Height: 6-1
Weight: 240 lbs.
"I made you save....but I eated it.





Although these players are real this team is fictional. But there is one Major League Baseball team that tips the scales. This team recieves honorable mention for the domination of their wastebands. The fattest team in the MLB is the Chicago White Sox with an average weight of 224lbs. Well there you have it. Something that can make any American smile. These are truly real American Heros. If you have any suggestions or additions to my starting lineup leave your comments or send me an email.